Free Birds

So, we went to see Free Birds at the cinema today.

Scott: Yeah…

What was it about?

Scott: Well, birds – turkeys, more.

What did they do?

Scott: Travel in time.

To do what?

Scott: Eh?

To do what?

Scott: Well, I kind of don’t want to talk about it too in-depth or it would spoil it for people who are watching it.

Okay – how was it?

Scott: It would be lying to say it was good and I’d by lying to say it was bad.

Marks out of 10?

Scott: Five.

What was the best bit?

Scott: There wasn’t really a best – it was just sort of medium all the way through.

Just kind of in the middle?

Scott: Yeah.

Did Helen like it?

Scott: I’m not sure – I think she sort of did.

You didn’t laugh much…

Scott: Nah – I don’t think it passed the Wittertainment laugh test…

Cinema

So what are we talking about?

Scott: Hmm… Good question.

You said that last night too.

Scott: (pause) Hmm?

The cinema?

Scott: Alright.

What did…

Scott: I mean, like, cinema in general or what we saw at the cinema? I’d say cinema in general.

Okay…

Scott: Okay.

What are you going to tell me?

Scott: Em… Em… Cinema, right…. I think… Sometimes that’s a hard to answer question – a more specific question would be good.

What is cinema?

Scott: Cinema’s a bit like the big screen for watching movies.

What’s the best film you’ve ever seen?

Scott: Good question. But what will probably be the best film… The Lego Movie looks amazing.

So you think that’ll be the best film you’ve seen?

Scott: That’s what it looks like.

What’s the worst film you’ve seen?

Scott: (pause) If it was, it would probably be one I fell asleep in the middle of. I think it was called Out Of The Blue or something – it was about foxes.

Oh yeah – I remember that. It was called The Girl And The Fox.

Scott: I remember it, I was bored to death…

The film about the girl and the fox…

Scott: Probably.

How does cinema work, then?

Scott: Well, in the olden days there was always a projectionist. But nowadays there are no projectionists – it’s all done by computers. But if there is, there’s only one projectionist.

Did you learn that from Mark Kermode?

Scott: Technically, but I knew it already.

Mary Poppins

Okay, so we went to the cinema today.

Scott: Yeah.

What did we see?

Scott: Mary Poppins.

How was it?

Scott: It was okay.

Marks out of 1o?

Scott: I’ll give it… Eight, say?

That’s higher than I thought you would give.

Scott: Okay – seven, but… It was good, but not too much.

What was the best bit?

Scott: The best bit… I just sort of liked it all, there was no really best bit.

What was the worst bit?

Scott: I never really had one – it was just medium all the way through, sort of. What was your best and worst bit?

I thought it was a bit boring, to be honest – too much singing and dancing.

Scott: The singing was a bit… It was a bit: “We get the point, just get on with it.” And it’s not even like a musical…

It seems very old-fashioned now.

Scott: Because it is. How old-fashioned was it when it was made?

It’s always been set in a time before it was made.

Scott: Hmm…

But it just seemed…

Scott: Ancient.

Yeah – compared to what we watch now.

Scott: Yeah. Well, it was better animation than I could do at home.

True.

Scott: But that’s just at home.

And there were a few funny bits.

Scott: Sort of. I didn’t really get the bit about the man floating when he laughed.

Neither did I, to be honest. It’s a very famous film, and there’s also a film out about the making of it.

Scott: Yeah. I’m more excited about the Lego film, though.

So am I.

Scott: Yeah.

And the Muppets movie.

Scott: Nah – I’m not that much excited by that.

The Croods

We went to see The Croods today.

Helen: Of course.

Scott: Yas – and…

Helen: And what?

Scott: And we went to the amusements, okay?

Helen: What amusements?

Scott: We did – do you not remember? You went to the 2p falls.

Helen: Oh yeah.

Scott: I do not know what you mean…

How was The Croods?

Scott: It was okay.

Helen: Yeah.

What was the best bit?

Scott: I don’t know.

Helen: I don’t know… My favourite bit was when the elephant fell down and then Belt said: “Dah dah dah!” What was your favourite bit, Scott?

Scott: I do not know.

It was good 3d, wasn’t it?

Scott: Yeah – really made for it.

Helen: I want to see Despicable Me.

Scott: Two.

Helen: Because they say: “Nee naw nee naw bee baw bee baw…”

Scott: No, that’s: “Be ba be ba…”

Did you like the 3d, Helen?

Helen: Yeah.

Did it seem real?

Helen: Some of it did, some of it didn’t. The birds looked pretty 3d-ish.

And was Belt your favourite character?

Helen: Yeah.

Scott: Yeah.

Helen: Duck’s my favourite character if you’re counting everything.

Duck Who?

Helen: Duck Doctor Who. Grandpa’s unfunny joke: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor Who? How did you know.”

No Nurdles

You wanted to talk about the Nurdles?

Scott: Well… Reasons not to like them.

Helen: Well, today we went to the cinema and didn’t see them.

Scott: And it was kids’ club, which means it was happiness for all.

Do you think they’ve stopped showing the Nurdles for good?

Scott: I really hope so.

Helen: Yeah – so do I. I thought I liked the Nurdles, but I actually hate them.

Scott: Failed.

Helen: That’s not always a lie.

You better explain who the Nurdles are.

Scott: Does it really matter?

Helen: They’re bits of toothpaste with legs and eyes.

And they’re quite annoying.

Helen: Yeah.

How annoying are they?

Helen: Very annoying.

Scott: A few fails which you should see on my sheet. First is the one time in the morning and one time in the evening twice a day – that’s asking for four times a day, basically.

Anything else? Or is it all on the sheet?

Scott: It’s all on the sheet.

Do you they put you off buying anything to do with Aquafresh?

Scott: Yes.

Helen: And I don’t want to have Aquafresh when I’m older. Even Mummy hates it.

And it’s supposed to make you like Aquafresh…

Scott: Yeah – that’s what I don’t get.

It’s a bit of a waste of time then, isn’t it?

Scott: Yeah.

How annoying are they on a scale of one to 10?

Scott: Em… 11. No, wait – 3000.

Helen: Eh… Because there’s only from one to 10, I’d say 10.

And all this is because they didn’t show the Nurdles before the film today.

Scott: Yeah.

You might never see them again in your life.

Scott: Woo-hoo! The Nurdles AKA the Numbskulls…

The Nurdles

Scott: We’re going to talk about little tubes of poo…

The Nurdles?

Scott: Yes!

Who are they?

Scott: (pause) All I can say is that they’re the most annoying beings on the planet.

Why are they so annoying?

Scott: Eh… Their pathetically-made video on Kids AM is complete garbage and I’ll never buy a product witgh Aquafresh on it ever – I mean… With Nurdles on it. (under breath) More or less Nerd-le…

So, they’re the stars of an advert before the Kids AM film.

Scott: The most pathetic, yes.

And you don’t like it.

Scott: No, it is complete garbage.

And it goes on too long.

Scott: Yeah, 20 minutes – that tiny Lego video was… A thousand per cent better, because that one got minus a million. The Lego one was a billion per cent better.

And it encourages children to shout in the cinema.

Scott: Yes – that’s the stupidest thing any video has ever done. Someone actually bothered shouting. That movie is complete garbage.

So you’re asking Vue Cinemas and Aquafresh…

Scott: To stop showing the terrible movie. No offence if it’s too much negativity, but it’s true.

So you use Colgate instead of Aquafresh now.

Scott: Yes.

So the Nurdles advert has backfired?

Scott: Yes – the advert has completely backfired! (laughing) Now Aquafresh will get no money at all!